Random

There was a time not so long ago I found her simply irresistible. My human and animalistic desire has no logic. However, I am like most a creature of habit. I have spent the past twenty months trying to break the pattern and swear all my adult intimacy years I’ve learned from my mistakes. It is deep- rooted and co-dependent. We date our parents. The cycle: rejection, loss and abandonment. There are so many events beginning in utero that repeat. It makes so much sense yet we do it again and again. It looks as if I’m running or hiding. Let me assure you I am not. As most of my exs ring two doors down under a month’s time I take the time to be alone and heal. I have never enjoyed it until now. I truly enjoy being single. I stop looking and comparing every possibility to the ex. I must shine even brighter now as I seduce many with just me. I do know myself unlike my partners. They spew big words. They envy me bc I don’t have to make much effort to be amazing. I am passionate and it is the simplest joy I protect. They look for others to feed on theirs. They do not like that I share indiscriminately. Narcissist and they make me feel fucking crazy. I’m suppose to fuss over them 24/7. I am convinced polyamory is the narcissist connection. It is fun to dabble but damn people living this shit 24/7. How fucking exhausting. Furniture arrangement at it’s extreme. The jealously and insecurity is just stupid. I like to drive. I am in control and will not take the backseat unless a road trip then of course, a nap is necessary. This is me now. My ex is my heroine. She definitely has two sides. Her angelic side is nurturing and honest. Yes, she told me she is crazy, can’t be alone, and will hurt me tremendously. Her angelic side told me she has residual feelings for her ex. I fell in love with my angel. I detest her other half. A cruelness that stuns you and burns to the bone. I retaliated. An ugly fight ensued. Many bouts, come up for air, lick our wounds, fuck, sleep, fuck, and eat. Being the prey I became the predator. A nocturnal beast became rabid. I stalked and hunted from across the riverside. I do not like the cold and the risk brought too much effort. I howled to alert her pack. That is all.