It pains me to walk away not knowing whether or not you ended it for the sake of protecting me. I’m not stupid nor dumb. I can put two and two together and see things years before they even pan out. I knew things would end this way the first time you ended it and that we would be back where we started. I know I have to let go, but it doesn’t mean I want to. Something about you has always left me in the gray. I’ve done my best not to write, but the ghost of you haunts me. I see you everywhere I go, and my heart is always with you despite knowing I am no longer welcome there.
I wanted to tell you that loving me is easy. Simply believe in me and place trust in me where no one else dare wager. For your circumstance, I would have chosen to hold your hand and walk with you through the fire because loving you and being with you is worth it all. I wish you would have trusted me enough to know that I would have chosen you and would have chosen to work things through even if we both were living on borrowed time.
Three weeks ago, I would have asked you to grab coffee with me. Had you said yes, I would have worn a khaki coloured trench coat. Upon handing you your coffee I would have told you that I also had something else for you.
I would have reached into the coat of my pocket and unraveled my first. I would have tied a red string around your finger and told you I wanted to outrun the distance between us. I knew of this before you did. For better or worse, I would always choose you.
I’m left with your words that left me feeling empty; I stay at a distance because I want to respect you. Maybe I’m not as smart as I think, and the result of this is just a magnitude of my miscalculations all rolled into one.
I have always been terrible at math.
You don’t have to worry about me coming into your life.
I know better than to stay where I am not welcome.
I just needed to put this out there.
Her mourning coffee 