i’m one of the lucky ones…
i’ve always known–more or less–that i am gay… i came out in high school, senior year… and i thought my coming out would cause others to do the same, cross the line, come into our truths… even back then, even before i knew anything about gaydars, i had an operational sense that some of my friends were also on my team… but senior year became very lonely, indeed… no one else came out to keep my company, and the friends i thought i knew, i really didn’t know… and everyday after that, it seemed my best friend was this big pink elephant that no one would talk about much less see…
i’ve always lived inside of my own head, thoughts and fantasies make up a large part of my world… so it was during that senior year that two of the three equations came to my head…
1 + 1 = 2
what would happen when you integrate a heart…?
the three notes of a chord
it’s so simple, right…? one plus one is two… what i see in that equation isn’t simple mathematics… what i see is us, our own individual beings, as one… are we one…? are we independently one…? are we whole and complete as one is whole and complete as an integer…? and when we get together, do we do it as one plus one, therefore we become two persons in one relationship, both sides of the equations are balanced and equal…? and our before getting together is equal and the same as after our get together…?
when i think of one as it applies to a person is, can we take care of ourselves happily…? do we have the resources, or know where we can obtain those resources, to take care of ourselves happily…? and have we had the time to look into our own deficiencies and inadequacies and resolve what we can to be more whole..? more complete…?
what’s wrong with being an incomplete…? nothing, really… most of the time, it’s quite functional… it’s just that some of the times, being an incomplete is fertile ground for low level of energies… meaning, that’s where and how jealousies arise, insecurities pull, or doubt swirls about… those emotions tend to distract a person from seeing what’s true and real, what’s beautiful and proper, what’s kind and compassionate…
when i people watch, esp when i can do it more closely in the context of listening to my patients or my friends, and sometimes in my own meditation and self-reflections, i feel sometimes we are only fractional beings walking around, sometimes unaware of our missing parts, sometimes acutely aware and desperately filling in our missing parts…
and we try to find each other, but sometimes i feel we may be doomed from the start, as two fractions adding up usually do not become whole numbers, and if they do, they would still be less than the two persons, the two hearts, the two spirits, the two souls, that came together… a 1 being shared by the 2 is the definition of co-dependency… perhaps it works for some, but it is half of what it could be…
and like it or not, somewhere in the recesses of the mind, somewhere in the silence of the heart, one is always aware of that missing part…
the poem i shared earlier is my attempt at describing the complete woman… as how i hope to find the love of my life to be, but also a blueprint for how i hope i will be as well… *woman seeks same* is an invitation to become more whole and less fractional, more complete and less fragmented…
i realize in life we are never quite complete, but i hope we are always striving to be more complete… like the parabola curve approaching near but never reaches its defining equation, i think it’s important that we take the journey toward that direction… love should be an addition to our lives, and it should feel like we are more complete than our own already completed selves…
in this way: love is a complete paradox, yet it would make perfect sense…!!!
Her mourning coffee 